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I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

Dear Loveawake,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a “Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

Loveawake

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